Found something interesting from the Google News under Hong Kong headlines. It was interesting because it was just a resume, but it went to the headline. It partially goes:
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I’m a very experienced investment banker and I really want a managerial job: REVIEW MY RESUME
10 November 2010“I am a seasoned banker in treasury and FX, and I used to be the top dealer at a major US Bank. I have been in a management role (mainly treasury) for more than 10 years. I’m now looking for a managerial role in a medium to small-sized bank because I know that, given my age, it won’t be easy for me to find work at a major firm. I am especially interested in banks (perhaps PRC banks) which want to open new offices in Hong Kong or Singapore. I am good at running branches and global markets teams.”
Can he achieve his aims? Review his CV and leave your comments below.
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As a brief description of a resume, it looks fine to me. As the introduction of his cover letter? No way.
Luckily, he put a summary right below this paragraph:
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SUMMARY
Goal and result-oriented seasoned banker with good experience and knowledge in treasury, capital, FX markets and banking operation. Good at leadership, team building, portfolio management, strategic planning and interpersonal skills.
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Question for you guys, which one sounds better?
I guess you will agree with me that the summary sounded more professional, but why exactly is it more professional?
Before you give me your answers as the homework, let's look at another example.
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Version 1:
Yesterday in Hung Hom at the international Mail Centre, a parcel caught on fire. There were cell phone batteries in the parcel. 510 people were cleared from the scene as some people feared that it was a terrorist attack.
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Version 2:
A parcel containing cell phone batteries burst into flames at the International Mail Centre in Hung Hom, sparking fears of a terrorist attack and forcing the evacuation of 510 people yesterday.
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The Version 2 was from the Standard.
Homework:
Which version do you think is more professional? And why? Think about it. Give you answers on Friday.
Resources:
http://news.efinancialcareers.hk/newsandviews_item/newsItemId-29370
http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?we_cat=11&art_id=104736&sid=30222594&con_type=3&d_str=20101109&fc=2
Version 2 is more pofessional.
ReplyDeleteIn version 1, the sentance structure is Chinese style, so poor sentance structure.
In version 2, it doesn't use any Linking verbs, only one verb (i guess) in the sentance, others all are Gerunds. Besides, the words in the version 2 are used more vivid than the version 1.
Using Phrase, Gerund and Infinite will make your writing become more professional(i guess).
It's cool if i can master the version 2 and become more professional in human language =)
I think the version 2 was professional. Because In version 2 the subject "A parcel" was drew the attention what happen of a parcel.
ReplyDeleteHi,Locky,
ReplyDeleteIt's no doubt that version 2 is more professional as the editor used smart participial adjective/phrases (ing form) to describle and report the event.
Thanks,
Mei
Yeah, you are right Mei. And the rest of you, hope you have read Part 1.
ReplyDelete