Wednesday 10 November 2010

Business Writing: How to write like a pro? -- Part 0

Found something interesting from the Google News under Hong Kong headlines. It was interesting because it was just a resume, but it went to the headline. It partially goes:


I’m a very experienced investment banker and I really want a managerial job: REVIEW MY RESUME

10 November 2010
“I am a seasoned banker in treasury and FX, and I used to be the top dealer at a major US Bank. I have been in a management role (mainly treasury) for more than 10 years. I’m now looking for a managerial role in a medium to small-sized bank because I know that, given my age, it won’t be easy for me to find work at a major firm. I am especially interested in banks (perhaps PRC banks) which want to open new offices in Hong Kong or Singapore. I am good at running branches and global markets teams.”

Can he achieve his aims? Review his CV and leave your comments below.

As a brief description of a resume, it looks fine to me. As the introduction of his cover letter? No way.

Luckily, he put a summary right below this paragraph:

Goal and result-oriented seasoned banker with good experience and knowledge in treasury, capital, FX markets and banking operation. Good at leadership, team building, portfolio management, strategic planning and interpersonal skills.


Question for you guys, which one sounds better?

I guess you will agree with me that the summary sounded more professional, but why exactly is it more professional?

Before you give me your answers as the homework, let's look at another example.

Version 1:
Yesterday in Hung Hom at the international Mail Centre, a parcel caught on fire. There were cell phone batteries in the parcel. 510 people were cleared from the scene as some people feared that it was a terrorist attack.
Version 2:
A parcel containing cell phone batteries burst into flames at the International Mail Centre in Hung Hom, sparking fears of a terrorist attack and forcing the evacuation of 510 people yesterday. 

The Version 2 was from the Standard.

Which version do you think is more professional? And why? Think about it. Give you answers on Friday.